fifteen.

After Taylor Swift won 4 Grammy awards, our RA put the question “What Taylor Swift song best describes you?” on the hallway whiteboard of our dorm.

My song is “Fifteen”. I included the lyrics that resonate the most with me.

I was fifteen…

And then you’re on your very first date and he’s got a car
And you’re feeling like flying
And your momma’s waiting up and you’re thinking he’s the one
And you’re dancing ’round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
When you’re fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin ’round
But in your life you’ll do things greater than
Dating the boy on the football team
But I didn’t know it at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

‘Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
And when you’re fifteen, don’t forget to look before you fall
I’ve found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you’re supposed to be
I didn’t know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors

paint.

At the art studio.

Got dried paint all over my fingers.

I like the feeling of peeling off the dried paint from my skin.

Staring at a painting I’m not satisfied with.

Painting is so different from drawing.

I had to learn a whole new way of looking at things in order to paint them properly.

I’m an artist. But I think my talent is in drawing/designing/illustrating. Not painting.

But I’m still trying.

I’m in an art class with a lot of experienced painters.

I’m used to being one of the best students in an art class.

I feel like crap in this painting class because I’m the one who has to catch up to the more experienced people.

But I’m dealing with it.

Maybe by the end of the quarter, I can consider myself a painter?

That’s if I become good enough.

I like the art studio.

The chaos of colors splattered everywhere.

The floor.

The walls.

The easels.

The chairs.

I haven’t eaten anything today. I’m hungry.

outsider.

I am an outsider.

I feel like an outsider when I’m around people from SWE.

I feel like an outsider when I’m around people from the Stanford Quad.

I feel like an outsider when I’m around people from PASU.

I feel like an outsider when I’m with friends from the Catholic Community.

I feel like an outsider when I’m with friends from Stanford Students for Life.

I feel like an outsider when I’m with friends from my dorm.

I feel like an outsider when I’m with friends from Glendale.

I feel like an outsider even when I’m with my family.

The person that I am around these people is not really who I am inside. For some reason, through all these years, things have changed. I have changed. I have sheltered myself inside… because I don’t belong anywhere, with anyone. Yes, I still interact with people, I still have relationships, I’m not a total recluse. I’m worse… Because no matter how hard I try, I’m only being untrue to myself. Fake. I feel guilty because I’m lying to all these people. I’m a liar. The real me isn’t happy with all these relationships and interactions. The real me is still trying to find her place in this world.

Side Note: I am sooooooo sick of the fact that the life of college girls revolves around guys and attracting guys.